I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
