good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize