I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
