The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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