Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need to sanitize my soul.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
