I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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