You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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