How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My cat gives me a boner
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
