who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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