you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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