i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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