I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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