you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
