nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
