dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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