I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
