Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
