tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
