Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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