my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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