I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
