If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
