The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
