my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it's like iHOP with fire
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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