My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
People in love make me want to vomit
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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