saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize