My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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