If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
