Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
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