I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
