so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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