I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
