I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
