My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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