its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
