I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
