I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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