There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
