hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
