sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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