Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
