I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
