i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We need to rekindle our bromance
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
