Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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