I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
