Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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