my phone needs a breathalizer
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
