end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
