Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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