just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
