First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
