If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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