No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
