so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
