My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize