he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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