I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
