actually, I'm a sock model
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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