dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
