...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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