The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I did not marry a roomba.
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