Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
