There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
